Pat McNees, writer, editor,
personal historian

If you had only one hour to live and the only way you could communicate with survivors was to leave them a letter, what would you write — and to whom would you write it?

Events like Katrina remind us of the fragility of life.The revival of an old Jewish tradition given new momentum by the events of September 11, the ethical will is not legally binding; it is a message from the heart. I don't like the phrase myself (it sounds both preachy and legalistic), and welcome such alternatives as "ending note," "legacy letter," "love will," "testament," "lifeletter," or "farewell with love and instructions." Such a letter can be both a vehicle for self-exploration and a gift to yourself and loved ones. You may share it while you are alive, or leave it to be read when you are gone. It can be as short as one page or as long as a full memoir or family history.

Such a letter can also mean worlds to survivors. A widower writing in Newsweek (link to article above) says, "No matter how close my wife and I were, no matter how much we loved each other, and no matter how many heartwarming memories I have of our togetherness, I don't have any tangible record of her heart speaking to mine. And how I wish I did....When Marion was alive, I never gave it a thought. Now I wish I had her words to read and reread....I have pictures — even a couple of collections of slides on videocassette. What I don't have, in black or blue on white, are her thoughts."

Such legacy letters are often written at transition points such as marriage, childbirth, a major illness, or simply arriving at that point when you see more life behind you than in front of you. Candidly assessing your life experiences and values, trying to make sense of the world or your life, reminding your loved ones and friends how you lived your life, and figuring out where your values came from and which values and life lessons you want to pass on to the next generation can energize you and change the way you see your life.

Your last will and testament disposes of all your earthly goods — who gets which valuables, what you want your survivors to have. Your living will spells out the kind of medical care you want when you can no longer care for yourself (should they shut off the ventilator when all hope seems lost, or should they do everything possible to save you?). Your letter of intent (see Kristie Miller's, on my other website) spells out the things that would make you happy should you experience a disabling health event, so that you can't care for yourself and might not be able to express yourself.

Your life letter or ethical will — let's come up with a better term for this heartfelt message to your survivors — tells your survivors what you want them to know. It conveys expressions of love, blessings,personal and family stories you treasure; it articulates what you value and want to be remembered for, what you hope your survivors learn from you or want your children and grandchildren never to forget. This message can be expressed in a one-page letter, a collection of messages, as a videotape of you expressing yourself — even as a newspaper article. It could involve writing memoirs or an autobiography (see link below to an Atlanta Journal story). The Financial Planning Association reports from survey results that these "non-financial leave-behinds" are ten times more important to most people than their parents' financial legacy.

Here's an example: write a letter telling your son, daughter, partner, or sibling all the things you love about them, and what you especially remember of your life together. If you're planning to join your life with another's, or planning to have a child together, you might commit to paper the things that matter to you — your ideals, hopes, fears, and expectations. If you've just had a child, you might want to voice your feelings about the occasion and your hopes for the child (see Michael Kilian's "message of hope for a newborn," posted on this website, published when his son was born). You might take a series of photos from the family album (do it before they're carried off by a hurricane — get a CD made of the best and send copies to the family) and tell stories about what was happening at the time. If your professional work has been especially meaningful, and you have shelves or drawers of documents worth preserving, you might want to spell out to your heirs what you want them to do to preserve your professional legacy. If you want your heirs to support certain causes, here is a chance to explain which ones, and why — and why you led your life the way you did. There are many approaches to writing (speaking, taping) this kind of legacy.

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Pat's ethical wills workshop. You're in good health — why be so morbid? Participants in Pat's workshop on the ethical will (or "personal legacy letter") at the Writer's Center in Bethesda, MD, were energized by the experience of facing their possible demise (their "sell-by date"), and in the final (surprisingly upbeat) session found it a great relief to write what they wanted on their tombstone and to frankly discuss their wishes for their funeral (or cremation, or body donated to science!). This definitely nontraditional writing workshop provides a safe (neutral) place to explore important elements of one's life and to write messages that are often, by turns, tender, amusing, intensely personal, and sure to be valued by those who receive them. Pat provides a sequence of exercises to help you capture the memories, hopes, wishes, apologies, explanations, and other thoughts important for you to convey to your survivors. You might choose to tell stories or to write about what you feel is important in life. You might put into perspective a dramatic emotional episode in your life with your child (partner, friend). You might explain why you are leaving money to save the coral reefs (or whatever). You might choose to write about important life choices, experiences, achievements, mistakes, family traditions, important influences, beliefs, convictions, hopes, or life lessons (often wrapped in life stories). You might decide to tell the stories behind favorite possessions you will pass along to others; or to explain why you are providing for legacies to charitable or other organizations; or to explain why you believe what you believe; or to articulate your preferences for decisions about your final care, death, dying, and remembrance. And you might decide that you want to leave your ethical will both as a print and video or audio document, so your survivors can hear what you have to say in your own voice.

Posted below are links to useful examples of ethical wills and interesting articles about them, as well as a sample letter of intent and similarly useful materials.

Books to help you write an ethical will:

· Baines, Barry. Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper. Very basic. On his website (link below) you’ll find many examples of ethical wills.

· Freed, Rachael. Women's Lives, Women's Legacies: Passing Your Beliefs & Blessings to Future Generations. Excellent for exploring aspects of being a woman.

· Keen, Sam and Anne Valley-Fox. Your Mythic Journey: Finding Meaning in Your Life Through Writing and Storytelling.

· Riemer, Rabbi Jack and Nathaniel Stampfer. So That Your Values Will Live On: Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them. Many examples, with an emphasis on Jewish ethical wills.

· Blachman, Linda. Another Morning: Voices of Truth and Hope from Mothers with Cancer. A book for parents challenged by serious illness, to help and inspire them to leave stories and messages for the children who will survive them.

For a list of books to help you write your life or family story, click on TELLING YOUR LIFE STORY, and scroll to the bottom.

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The detour into misery that makes your story more compelling (or why not to be just a Goody Two-Shoes
"It takes a rare kind of courage to live like a character in a story, and not many real-life human beings have the nerve to try it—perhaps because the elements that make a narrative compelling also make life miserable," writes Adam M. Bright in a story for Good Magazine about Lea Thau and the Moth, a live story telling organization based in New York City.

"Most people are too attached to the things that make them happy (honor, love, and friendship) to appreciate the subtle appeal of those things that might make them into more interesting protagonists (disgrace, heartbreak, and loneliness)," writes Bright in the story Burned by Desire (3-22-08). "Luckily, though, even prudent people will occasionally commit spectacular acts of mischief in pursuit of happiness. And when they do, the Moth is waiting—with an audience and a microphone. Since 1997, the storytelling organization has helped more than 4,000 people tell their tales of crimes, misdemeanors, and epic lapses in judgment. Few of the stories are downers—most, in fact, have uplifting messages—but it’s hard to pull off a heartwarming finish without making at least a brief detour into misery."

"The best stories are born from the moments when we got our wings burned or clipped a little," said Lea Thau, executive director of the nonprofit organization. Go to the Moth's website to learn about their highly affordable upcoming performances.

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Mother's Day Proclamation
by Julia Ward Howe (1870)

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!

Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.

Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

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My Words Are Gonna Linger: The Art of Personal History , ed. Paula Stallings Yost and Pat McNees, with a foreword by Rick Bragg (Personal History Press, $19.95). Read excerpts here. Read a review here.

"At last, a collection that shows the "why, what, and how" behind memoir as legacy. Spanning more than a century, these intriguing reflections of personal as well as global social and political history are told in the unique voice and viewpoint of each storyteller."
~ Susan Wittig Albert, author, Writing from Life, founder, Story Circle Network

“This anthology sings with Walt Whitman’s spirit of democracy, a celebration of our diversity. Each selection is a song of self; some have perfect pitch, some the waver of authenticity. All demonstrate the power of the word to salvage from the onrush of life, nuggets worth saving.”
~ Tristine Rainer, author of Your Life as Story and Writing the New Autobiography